Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God.

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!

Funny is funny.

I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II.

I've never gone to comedy clubs.

Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics.

It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that.

You've got to be able to sell yourself.

I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage.

Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed.

Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh.

The thing I love about Vegas is that it's a melting pot. It's like working Ellis Island.

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore.

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny.

I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.

I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner.

I don't walk into a dinner party and say, 'You're an idiot; give me my coat.'

I was a big shot in high school - big into social events and at the dramatic society - and I always had trouble in school. Not because I was a dummy, but I was always busy being the Jackson Heights clown.

An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings.

My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king.

When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different.

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera.

Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib.