If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

William F. Buckley was a man who had a great capacity for fun and for amusing himself by amazing others.

A conversation does not have to be scintillating in order to be memorable. I once met a president of the United States, and his second sentence to me was about knees.

Japanese is sort of a hobby of mine, and I can get around Japan with ease.

Perhaps the saddest irony of depression is that suicide happens when the patient gets a little better and can again function sufficiently.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

Why are people afraid of ghosts? 'Ooh, no, I wouldn't want to see one! I'd be too scared' - accompanied by a tremolo of fear in the voice - is the common reaction. This puzzles me. I'd think anyone would welcome he opportunity. I've never heard of a ghost hurting anybody.

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear.

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

In the main, ghosts are said to be forlorn and generally miserable, if not downright depressed. The jolly ghost is rare.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew's and Albert Einstein's.

I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.