My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

I'm a Jew.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

I don't Tweet a lot because I've Tweeted things that I thought were really innocuous about subjects that are inflammatory, and the response is so insane sometimes from people.

What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

Everybody's family has different values.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

Political audiences are not fun.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

It's a privilege to pay taxes. Yeah! It's not a political question, folks. We have to pay for stuff.

Republicans and Democrats can barely do what they're supposed to do, and they sure can't do math!

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.