When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Basically I wake up in the morning and I think everything's going to be great. I'm really kind of optimistic, and I look forward to a new day. I pick up 'The New York Times,' and I look at the front page and realize that once again I'm wrong. I start to fixate on stuff.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

I'm understated in my approach.

I really don't have a need to be on TV all that much, to be honest with you.

When most people become president, even if you disagree with their ideology, you can still agree that they would have the competence to run something... With Trump, I do not have the confidence of that at all.

You never want to defend a joke. People get to choose whether or not to laugh and whether or not they think something is funny.

I don't think I ever intend to provoke outrage, but I don't mind being provocative in content.

My white counterparts are always pushing the line, and they are fearless, so why can't I do that, too?

Any voting group has an interest that they want from politicians. That's why politicians have to talk to different people. But to reduce the black interest to free stuff is so insulting. It just makes me apoplectic.

I always said I'm not disappointed with Obama because I voted for him because he was black, and as long as he kept being black, I was a happy man.

Richard Pryor was my hero. Richard Pryor was keeping it 100.

As long as you say I'm the guy who's real about it, I have no problem being the person who people look to to talk about race.