Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

I've never worried about life's big questions.