I was wracked with insecurity.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

My joke used to be about my father and Peter Boyle: that anything you see Peter Boyle do on TV, my father has done in real life without pants on.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I do what I do because I love it.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

My hair was long - in my high school year book, I looked like an ugly David Cassidy.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

As successful as it may appear I am, I don't really feel that. It's like, you know you've achieved some level of success, and you know what you've done, and yet you still feel you have more to do and more to prove.

I realized I need to work. I need to be creative. As much as I have angst and anxiety, when I'm idle, it's even more. I have to keep moving. Otherwise, I catch up with myself.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

Anna would be just as happy with me if I were a plumber. As a matter of fact, when she married me, I was working at a bank and living at home. I didn't move out until I was 29!

When you're in the living room every week for nine years as one character, it's hard for some people to see you as someone else.

I go to Hooters for lunch every day. Then for coffee.

I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means. I shoot 90 to a hundred or, once in a while, 85.

In stand-up, there's that idea that comedy comes from a dark place, but it's not a rule.

I see the bad in everything I do.

If I had never gotten famous or rich, I think I'd be equally neurotic.

I'm at an age where crying is easier for me now. I like it. I can cry at a poignant commercial; I can cry at a - this is a running joke in my house, but... a good 'Star-Spangled Banner' can make me cry. I'm not kidding.