This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

The real test of an anchor is when there's a very big event. Sept. 11 is the quintessential example of that, and that day it took everything that I knew as an anchor, as a citizen, as a father, as a husband, to get through it.

Spread love everywhere you go; first of all in your house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier

Sickness is poor-spirited, and cannot serve anyone; it must husband its resources to live. But health or fullness answers its own ends, and has to spare, runs over, and inundates the neighborhoods and creeks of other men’s necessities.

My husband wasn't put off by it - he thought it was hilarious to see me dressed as Dylan! He didn't particularly want to kiss me with stubble all over my face - it felt a bit odd! But I think he's used to it [the make-up process].