In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.