I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.