For Father's Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It's appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.

Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That's why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.

I'm beginning to wonder about my broker. Yesterday I told him to buy a hundred shares of A.T.&T. He said, 'Would you spell that?'

An economist is someone who knows all the answers to last years' questions.

Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.

Realists know where they're going. Dreamers have already been there.

The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.

I value people with a conscience. It's like a beeper from God.

They say kids today don't know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That's why they ask for five.

I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, "Keep the change."

Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!

I should warn you that underneath these clothes I'm wearing boxer shorts and I know how to use them.

Do you realize that in the past sixty years, the only foreigners the French have been able to drive out are American tourists?

Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.

When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.

It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.

There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.

Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.

Happiness is contagious. Be a carrier!!

To exercise is human; not to is divine.

It may be the way the cookie crumbles on Madison Avenue, but in Hong Kong its the way the egg rolls.

A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.

Individuality' is the key to success.