If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.

Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings. The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

It's amazing how important your job is when you want the day off - and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.

Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

I'd like to say a few words about one of the most popular concepts in the modern education--show and tell. Show and Tell is a device created by grammar schools to communicate family secrets to 32 other families before 9:15 am in the morning.

Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.

These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.

A sigh is an amplifier for people who suffer in silence.

Humor gives presidents the chance to be seen as warm, relaxed persons. Humor reaches out and puts its arm around the listener and says, 'I am one of you, I understand,' and implicitly it promises, 'I will do something about your problems.

I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.

They're combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don't want triplets.

The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they'd tip.

I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.