With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

If you can laugh together, you can work together.

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.

Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.