"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful."

“I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.” 

“My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?” 

“Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list” 

“Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.” 

“My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.” 

“My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.” 

“My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.” 

“I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.” 

“I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."” 

“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.” 

“I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.” 

“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.” 

“They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.” 

“Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.” 

“At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.” 

“At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.” 

“She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.” 

“Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.” 

“One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?” 

“My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.” 

“The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.” 

“I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?” 

“For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.”