If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.