QUOTES by Stephen Colbert
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert
Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.
Quote by -Stephen Colbert