QUOTES by P. J. O'Rourke
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There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is - certainly is one of them. But it's low on my list.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Conservatives really don't believe in politics as the primary instrument of getting along in life and therefore don't tend to put their energy into it a way people left of center do.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
To blame the existence of al Qaeda on poverty like Egypt's is a slur on the poor.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
In Hong Kong there is agglomeration beyond my fondest imaginings. The Kowloon district claims a population density four times that of New York City.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I'm on Medicare now. If I go and have a big operation, it costs me nothing. It should cost me a little. I'm not rich, but I can afford a few grand if I have to have my appendix taken out. I can pitch in a little bit.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God's grace.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Even the dumber parts of our government are not run by idiots. These are ordinary people like us, doing a job. By and large, they're trying to do it as well as they can. Or at least as often as people in the private sector try to do as well as they can.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Mistreatment of al Qaeda members and their friends and hangers-on is something I number among my moral concerns. But it's number 1,000,000,001.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Libertarianism is a way of measuring how the government and other kinds of systems respect the individual. At the core of libertarianism is the idea that the individual is sacrosanct and that anything that's done contrary to the well-being of the individual needs some pretty serious justification.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
To mistrust science and deny the validity of scientific method is to resign your job as a human. You'd better go look for work as a plant or wild animal.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I understand Twitter has become popular among politicians. This technology allows them to stay in perpetual contact with their constituents. The electorate now has instant information about what politicians have been up to.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Explosion of positive rights started in 1932 with the election of Roosevelt.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
When you pay a hospital bill, you're really paying two hospital bills - one bill for you because you have a job and/or insurance and can pay the hospital. and another bill, which is tacked onto your bill, to cover the medical expenses of someone who doesn't have a job and/or insurance and can't pay the hospital.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I had a confused early hippie phase, which was like a cafeteria tray of sloppy, semi-Marxist thoughts, absorbed second-hand.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
They are just really stupid people in Hollywood. You write them a script, and they say they love it, they absolutely love it. Then they say, 'But doesn't it need a small dog, and an Eskimo, and shouldn't it be set in New Guinea?' And you say, 'But it is a sophisticated romantic comedy set in Paris.'
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I'm too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom's earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
There's a love of rhetorical skill in the Muslim world. Osama bin Laden doesn't just go on tape cassettes and say, 'America sucks.' He recites poetry; he finds things that 'America sucks' rhymes with.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Everybody in America who didn't come over the Bering Strait ice bridge stole his land from somebody else.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Sometimes the right response to evil is an appeal to powerful and effective social organization - an appeal to civilization itself.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Like it or not, I've come to appreciate soccer. Any kid can play, which fits with the inclusive agenda of progressive schools. Although the corollary to 'any kid can play' is that every kid must play because there is an iron grip to the warm hug of progressive inclusionism.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as 'caring' and 'sensitive' because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The most brilliant satire of all time was 'A Modest Proposal' by Jonathan Swift. You'll notice how everything got straightened out in Ireland within days of that coming out.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The District of Columbia is an extreme example of disconnect between financial input and educational outcome. Unfortunately, extreme is not the same as abnormal.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The budget doesn't have much control over the government. Then again, the government doesn't have much control over the budget.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I usually agree with Rush Limbaugh; therefore I usually don't listen to him.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Children live in the only successful Marxist state ever created: the family. 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his need' is the family's practice as well as its theory. Even with today's scattershot patterns of marriage and parenting, a family is collectivist to a more than North Korean degree.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
I've got a 1990 Porsche 911. It's just a Carrera, a very simple, straightforward little thing that goes like stink. I love it.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There's more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it's awfully close to human.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Being a humorist is not a voluntary thing. You can tell this because in a situation where saying a funny thing will cause a lot of trouble, a humorist will still say the funny thing. No matter how inappropriate.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The C student starts a restaurant. The A student writes restaurant reviews.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
Israel is slightly smaller than New Jersey. Moses in effect led the tribes of Israel out of the District of Columbia, parted Chesapeake Bay near Annapolis, and wandered for forty years in Delaware.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke
The Communist bloc of old was a study in the failure of failure. Losers in the Soviet economy were the people at the end of the long lines for consumer goods. Worse losers were the people who had spent hours getting to the head of the line, only to be told that the goods were unavailable.
Quote by -P. J. O'Rourke