QUOTES by Rodney Dangerfield
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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield
What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
Quote by -Rodney Dangerfield