I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.