“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” – 

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” –

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” –

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – 

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” –

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” – 

“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.” – 

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” –

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” –

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.”

“I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!” – 

“I told my doctor I want to stop aging, he gave me a gun!”