QUOTES by Milton Berle
Find most favourite and famour Authors from A.A Milne to Zoe Kravitz.
“I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.”
Quote by -Milton Berle
“The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.”
Quote by -Milton Berle