"I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies."

"I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's."

"I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure."

"Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say."

"You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry"

"If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine."

"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."

"Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover."

"I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving."

"Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness."

"I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty."

"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."

"I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it."

"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."

"I'm always a bit shy around evil people..."

"I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!"

"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."

"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."

"When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English."

"Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party."

"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."

"Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012"

"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."

"I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater."

"I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't."

"I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians."

"It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."

"Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."

"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women."

"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."

"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious."

"Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels."

"I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."

"You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble."

"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."

"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."

"If you don't vote, you're a moron."

"It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?"

"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."

"Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall."

"Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love."

"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"

"The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me."

"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."

"Oh Satan you're a wily one."

"That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots."

"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."

"For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."

"Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck."

"It 's the time of year when Canadians mate."