"Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!"

"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."

"At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to."

"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"

"It's a book. It's mine. And it's done."

"This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical."

"With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying."

"Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often."

"The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight."

"This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it"

"I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love."

"If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy."

"I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway."

"You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people."

"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."

"Stand by your bed and salute me."

"I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice."

"Time is only linear for engineers and referees."

"Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call."

"After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock."

"114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104."

"I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me."

"Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?"

"I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it."

"I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist."

"By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!"

"Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know"

"There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits."

"Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people."

"That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil."

"I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important."

"My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them."

"Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah."

"Tomorrow is your future's yesterday."

"If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof."

"The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain."

"My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it."

"I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again."

"I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that."

"I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars."

"Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends."

"A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it."

"I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh."

"I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery."

"Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done."

"It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...."

"Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane."