QUOTES by Erma Bombeck
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"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are unemployed."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop?"
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious? I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"A child develops individuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory -- an empty bottle of gin."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE." Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . ."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck
"Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in."
Quote by -Erma Bombeck