If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.