"Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."

"We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass."

"Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did."

"People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?"

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?"

"It's never just a game when you're winning."

"If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?"

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?"

"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."

"Everyone smiles in the same language."

"How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies."

"I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?"

"Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers."

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood."

"It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot."

"Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?"

"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."

"I think I am, therefore, I am... I think."

"Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."

"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat."