"I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."

"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic."

"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."

"Meow” means “woof” in cat."

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."

"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it."

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"I'm in a weird band. We've done very well. The American Dream is alive and well."

"My mother is probably the wisest person I've ever known. She's not schooled, she's not well read. But she has a philosophy of life that makes well-read people seem like morons."

"My skin is more beautiful than yours. I would be quite more popular in jail if I so chose."

"First, when I was 12, I saw a Spanish girl jumping rope. I never saw her face, but it was still the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen."

"I think I know it all, relatively speaking."