"Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward."

"Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things."

"A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point."

"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath."

"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?"

"How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?"

"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."

"Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."

"How is it possible to have a civil war?"

"Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist."

"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."