Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I think the key attributes for a good speaker are someone that's articulate and someone that puts a fair amount of humour into what they do.

One of the guys that used to run it - for some reason I've no idea why he used to call me the Sea Monster and I was just looking around for a name and thought that'll do. That lasted for a couple of years probably.

Television provokes strong opinions, and sometimes we try a bit too hard to appeal to everyone.

I often tell audiences at the start of my shows that I'm not gay because I've got petitions from lesbian groups saying 'Can you tell people you're heterosexual because you're giving us a bad name.'

There are problems with nursing - such as the issue of nurses all having to do degrees these days. But that doesn't mean to say the entire infrastructure of nursing is falling about and that it is populated by unfeeling psychopaths, which is, frankly, the implication sometimes.

I don't know really, it doesn't feel like it has changed to me but I think to have to move with the times. Try out different areas and not get stuck in 1978.

As a comic and as a nurse, it's important to look calm on the surface when you're absolutely crapping yourself inside. So, if someone is waving a machete at you, which has happened to me when I was a nurse, it's important to make that person feel that you're in control.