Most of the offers I get from Hollywood are for teen comedies. My manager thinks I'm crazy for turning down all that money, but I'm very picky.

The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.