“This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"” 

“I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.” 

“My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.” 

“All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.” 

“My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.” 

“My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?” 

“My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."” 

“I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.” 

“I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.” 

“I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.” 

“A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.” 

"It does help to actually realize that however stunning the person who is, you know, fluttering eyelashes at you, she doesn't do anything to match up to your wife."

I'm married. My wife, Stella - a beautiful woman. She's brought a lot of peace to my life, a lot of wisdom.

The wife, where danger or dishonor lurks, safest and seemliest by her husband stays, who guards her, or with her the worst endures.

I take her as God made her, and as men Must fail to unmake her, for my honoured wife.

“By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.”

Medicine is my lawful wife, and literature is my mistress. When I get fed up with one, I spend the night with the other

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

The daunting task of being a mother, a wife, and an independent career or professional person is really taxing.

If you treat your wife like a thoroughbred, you’ll never end up with a nag

My wife and I aren’t one and one. We are two halves that make a whole. You have to apply yourself to be a family – two halves fitted together are more efficient than either half would ever be alone!