"How do I speak Spanish? Not too well."

"When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them."

"I prefer musicals, because I am the best dancer who ever lived. The best plies, the best sashays, and by far the best-smelling Capezios."

"It's nice when little teams win."

"Girls are soft and pretty."

"My father used to wear the same pants for like a week."

"I can handle pain."

"Kids end up seeing my movies anyway but some of the mothers get mad at me so I figured I'd make one that I can't get yelled at for."

"I've always had lots of friends and my house was the house they all hung out at."

"I'm not great at bedtime stories. Bedtime stories are supposed to put the kid to sleep. My kid gets riled up and then my wife has to come in and go, 'All right! Get out of the room.'"

"I was raised by a mother who told me I was great every day of my life."

"I'm filthy rich!"

"Sometimes you can't prioritise family and you feel guilty."

"I definitely connected to the fact that life gets out of control and you end up doing things and wishing you were doing other things instead."

"I've been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I'm driving, I hear I'm a moron. I like being a moron."

"I grew up cursing a lot."

"I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do."

"Happy is he who is aware of the mysteries of his Lord."

“You are braver then you believe, stronger then you seem, and smarter then you think.”

"Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice."

"We make the world we live in and shape our own environment."

"Morale is good; troops are confident; leaders are capable."

"Be interesting, be enthusiastic... and don't talk to much."

There are people who are wise enough and motivated enough to change their lives and live their dreams, and then there are those who need a kick in the pants to change their ways.