Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

There's different kinds of laughs. It's like a baseball lineup: this guy's your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we're gonna win.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Men want to make women happy.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.