Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

For a comic to put a public performance in jeopardy for a snickering little laugh - no, no, no, I don't believe in it.

I'm really, basically, nine, and I've always been that. I've never, ever allowed the child within me to die.

The beauty of love, as far as I'm concerned, is it makes you better. It makes you stronger. It gives you direction. It gives you understanding of what life is and what we've been given.

I will not say anything negative about the president of the United States. I don't do that. And I don't allow my children to do that.

Adrenaline is so strong that none of us understand it.

I believe when you go out there, you have a responsibility to deliver. I have old-fashioned thinking when I'm out there.