You don't need a critic to tell you people aren't laughing.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

My movies are okay, but they're not my specials.

Black people have been qualified to be president for hundreds of years. George Washington Carver could have been president. I could go on with a list of black men that were qualified to be the president of the United States. So the Obama victory is progress for white people.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

By the time I was 7 or 8, I wanted to be a comedy writer.

Pretty girls have problems too.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.

No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'

It's like, hmm, there's people with $2000 weaves that could have bought health care with that weave money. They don't have insurance. People want what they want. And I guess that is a reason we have this big credit card problem and a lot of these foreclosures.