I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars. And I bought a red Corvette for $45,000 dollars. I'm thinking, 'I've got 45 grand left!' Taxes didn't even come into my equation. At the end of the first year of making 90 grand I was 25, 30 in the hole. We live in this baller, spend-money culture.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

Every now and then I'm in a situation where someone doesn't recognize me, and I experience racism. Things like not being buzzed into a store or sitting in first class on a plane and having someone ask to see my ticket four times.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When I hear people talk about juggling, or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy, because 'sacrifice' infers that there was something better to do than being with your children.

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

After I left high school and got my GED, I studied broadcast journalism for a year at a community college.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.