I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product and I'm the spokesperson, and I'm going to deliver.

If you watch kids looking at something on television, even something that's produced for them and is supposed to be funny, what you'll notice is that they don't laugh.

George Booth and I are both funny, and from afar, without meeting, admired each other's work.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by 'survival of the fittest.'

I don't see much comedy in the Bible, where people are writing about funny people. It's not there.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.