The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.

It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.

The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.

It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

Common sense ain't common.

You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there

I'm not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.