Comedy Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Quote by -Ron White
Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.
Quote by -Ron White
There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.
Quote by -Ron White
Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.
Quote by -Ron White
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
Quote by -Ron White
People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.
Quote by -Ron White
There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.
Quote by -Ron White
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.
Quote by -Ron White
I've gathered some of my close musical and comedian friends, and we're going to see if we can't bring a few laughs to these soldiers, raise some money, and hopefully lift their spirits. I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.
Quote by -Ron White
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
Quote by -Ron White
There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.
Quote by -Ron White
My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.
Quote by -Ron White
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
Quote by -Ron White
I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.
Quote by -Ron White
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
Quote by -Ron White
I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.
Quote by -Ron White
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
Quote by -Ron White
I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.
Quote by -Ron White
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
Quote by -Ron White
I was always a funny guy. I don't think anybody that makes it to this level of stand-up wasn't a funny guy when they were young.
Quote by -Ron White
I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.
Quote by -Ron White
It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.
Quote by -Ron White
Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.
Quote by -Ron White
When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
Quote by -Ron White
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
Quote by -Ron White
Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.
Quote by -Ron White
Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.
Quote by -Ron White
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
Quote by -Ron White
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.
Quote by -Ron White
I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.
Quote by -Ron White
My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.
Quote by -Ron White
The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
Quote by -Ron White
Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.
Quote by -Ron White
I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.
Quote by -Ron White