With Clinton, there's no question that I would have made fun of his out-and-out lying. But he's also a good friend.

For one thing, you need a lot of self-confidence to be on the top of your field. There are times probably where I appear to be over-confident or arrogant. It's really in the eye of the beholder.

The raising of an eyebrow, how you do it; when you look, how you look. All those little things are physical.

I was always the guy getting kicked out of my classes at school for having an attitude problem.

You may have read that I went to M.I.T. In 1982 I filled out a Who's Who survey with joking responses, and they never bothered to check the facts.

If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.

In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.

I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.

I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.

Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.

The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.

I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.

I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'

Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.

I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.

TMZ is so disgusting.

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.

My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.

Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.

We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?