I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.”

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called “Deja Vu.” The headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.