I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Half the people you know are below average.

“Don't let the muggles get you down.”

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.