Life is just a bowl of pits.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.