I don't like to do material people have heard. Now, they like to hear material that they know, because that's the stuff that made me famous, and, unfortunately, I don't do a ton of it.

Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I don't think we have a surplus of fine educators in this country that we can just start dropping them for no reason whatsoever.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I was by far the least popular of the Blue Collar crew when we started. There was a definite pecking order, and everybody knew it.

Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also, anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me, and I'm pretty good at helping them get there.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers - doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

Comedy is all about the pause.

Movies are boring. It's like watching paint dry. I did a little role in a movie, and it was eight lines. I was there for three days. It's just horrible. Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it's 18 hours of doing not a thing.