The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

You can't fix stupid.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

I'm not suggesting I met a significant enough number of them to constitute a robust sample size, but I am saying that my general impression of Sri Lankans is that they are friendly, chatty and hospitable people.

Having curry for breakfast is a thing of beauty.

Sri Lanka's interpretation of western cuisine is pretty diabolical. Sri Lankan food itself is ace, however, and they bloody love a buffet. Even if you go to a basic-looking cafe, they can knock up four or five different curries for you very quickly.

The error that many vegans make is forgetting that our food has novelty value. Non-vegans think our food is awful, but are fascinated by the prospect of something vegan being delicious. They want to disprove it.

It's much easier for the vegan to remain at home and do their own Christmas dinner. That way, you can enjoy your food without someone making some hilarious comment about your stuffed pepper.

Veganism is a point of contention all year round. So much so that many vegans cut themselves off from the rest of society, huddling together for warmth and smugness, and using online forums to vent their disgust at the morally corrupt dairy- and meat-eating savages who make up most of the populace.

I am not obliged to tackle racism wherever and whenever it occurs, nor am I qualified to do so.

My problem is that we are all listening to music in a more disposable fashion.

Consuming art should involve investment and risk.

Everyone seems so excited by the fact that music is more accessible, people can find new artists more easily and it's cheaper, without focusing on the potential negatives, not least of which is that idiots can more easily listen to your favourite music.

Black Panther is a great film'. It has the most compelling villain of any Marvel movie, and it deals admirably with the issue of diminishing jeopardy in a million superhero films where the world is going to end.

Trumpeting diversity undermines what you are trying to achieve in the first place. It should happen without fanfare.

Some of the best comedy comes from squeezing humour from tragedy and struggle, but the main pursuit of comedy should be laughter.

We've all seen comedians look like they're reaching just a little bit too much for the laugh. This is counterproductive. The conceit of standup is that it is effortless, which makes the prospect of generating new comedy a tricky one: you are trying to be funny without looking like you are trying to be funny.

Trying to be funny is arguably the least funny thing you can do.

My life consists of intense focus on urgent areas of development, and then abandonment of that focus shortly afterwards.