“Whiskey claims to itself alone the exclusive office of sot-making.”

“Of course I’m going to say “I’m a thug,” that’s because I came from the gutter and I’m still here!”

“There’s gonna be some stuff you gonna see thats gonna make it hard to smile in the future, but through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit…remember that.”

“I am not your justification for existence.”

"Forget the fake syrupy stuff. Melt down a bar of chocolate, mix it into some warmed up whipping cream, and put it on top of ice cream. Add some sprinkles, and you've got a delicious treat."

"I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 17. There were boys at school that I would find out later had a crush on me but I was too shy to talk to them."

"I love being at home and cooking and baking."

"Actually, I'm happiest in Williams-Sonoma in New York. That's a wonderful cooking store."

"I feel shy when people are fussing on me."

"I never really cook from recipes. But the worst is when something turns out great and I can't figure out how to make it again!"

"Please, sir, I want some more."

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What a nice night for an evening.

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.