"The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people."

"You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash."

"I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10"

"That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity."

"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."

"Well, I mean, if a joke or humor is bawdy, it's got to be funny enough to warrant it. You can't just have it bawdy or dirty just for the sake of being that - it's got to be funny."

"I kid around a lot, but pranks are not my best strength!"

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs-jolted by every pebble in the road."

"If a guy is over 25 percent jerk, he's in trouble. And Henry was 95 percent."

"When I started out playing small clubs, you could feel the room recoil from certain kinds of songs. Anything that was too personal, that had a sentiment to it, or was laying out your feelings, was immediately booed. People would start throwing things. And anything that was really provocative or humorous or radical was embraced or cheered."

"I love British humor. It's just so - surreal."

"Mr. Shepherd, ye cannot stop a bad thought from coming into your head. But ye need not pull up a chair and bide it sit down."

"We came from Bethlehem, Georgia bearing Betty Crocker cake mixes into the jungle."

"I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest."

"Everything I hated about L.A. I'm beginning to crave. L.A. is a place where you live behind a gate, you get in a car, your interaction with the public is minimal. I used to hate that."

"Am I a homophobe? Look, I work in show business. I am awash in gay people, as colleagues and as friends."

"I'm doing 'Rock of Ages' one day, making out with Russell Brand. Soon after that, I'm advocating with Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Cynthia Nixon for marriage equality."

"It's good-bye to public life in the way that you try to communicate with an audience playfully, like we're friends, beyond the work you are actually paid for."

"I think Rachel Maddow is quite good at what she does. I also think she's a phony who doesn't have the same passion for the truth off-camera that she seems to have on the air."

"I find myself bitter, defensive, and more misanthropic than I care to admit."

"My goal was always to take a talk show to the network. I never wanted to be on MSNBC."

"I went to Jimmy Gandolfini's funeral, and when I was there, I realized Jimmy Gandolfini didn't have Twitter."

"Everybody had posters in their room; everybody had the four symbols of Zeppelin on the wall and all that."