“Being crazy isn’t enough.”

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.

“The secret of being a bore is to tell everything.”

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the road an hour.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above…so I never have to go upstairs.

If you write the word “monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

“Don't let the muggles get you down.”

“I told my doctor I want to stop aging, he gave me a gun!”