Funny Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
"If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!"
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012"
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?"
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!"
Quote by -Craig Ferguson
"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."
Quote by -Craig Ferguson