Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else

So live that you would not mind selling your pet parrot to the town gossip

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.