Funny Quotes
Find one of the best and famous quote catagorized into topics like inspirational, motivations, deep, thoughtful, art, success, passion, frindship, life, love and many more.
Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.
Quote by -Will Rogers
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
Quote by -Will Rogers
When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.
Quote by -Will Rogers
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Quote by -Will Rogers
It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious.
Quote by -Adam McKay
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Quote by -Jay Leno
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Quote by -Jay Leno
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Quote by -Jay Leno
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Quote by -Jay Leno
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer team, of course, returned home to their houses here in Los Angeles.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Wasn't it thrilling when the U.S. Women's team took home the gold in gymnastics? A group of American teenagers getting a higher score than Chinese kids? That never happens.
Quote by -Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next time you bring 12 items into a 10-item-or-less lane.
Quote by -Jay Leno
It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you don't. I mean, I don't want to put on sunglasses. That's why I'm in show business.
Quote by -Jay Leno
I saw something stupid in the paper today. A new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those.. it's called a window.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.
Quote by -Jay Leno
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."
Quote by -Jay Leno
The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.
Quote by -Jay Leno
The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.
Quote by -Jay Leno
In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Well, Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.
Quote by -Jay Leno
I guess you heard about this; the U.S. Olympic Committee is coming under fire after it was revealed that the uniforms for Team USA to be worn in the opening ceremony were made in China. Turns out they were made by some of the same kids who could beat us in gymnastics. That's the worst part.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
Quote by -Jay Leno
Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.
Quote by -Jay Leno
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
Quote by -Henny Youngman
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan
What we have found in this country, and maybe we're more aware of it now, is one problem that we've had, even in the best of times, and that is the people who are sleeping on the grates, the homeless, you might say, by choice.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Quote by -Ronald Reagan