“I’m getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!” – 

“I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with.”

“With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

“Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.” –

“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” –

“Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.” – 

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.” – 

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.” –

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.” – 

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” –

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” –

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.” – 

“I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.” – 

“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.” –

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“At 20 a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” –

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.” –

“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” –